A LETTER OF ENCOURAGEMENT TO ME

When I become chemically exposed, I am startled by how quick and severe the symptoms can be which caused me to write last week about self-pity and disappointments!   And yet, just as quickly when some of the symptoms improve, I am optimistic and excited just like I felt when on Friday evening we were able to go to a heartwarming movie with friends and then go for coffee after!  On Saturday, I sat in the car much of the time, but Greg and I did a variety of errands.  That evening I wasn’t feeling quite as “well”, but we still went to see a concert.  I’m not sure if I was chemically exposed at any of those places, but on Monday I had regressed again. By Tuesday, when I began the treatment protocol for releasing more mercury, I was in a very poor state.

My nature is mostly optimistic and positive, but when I become chemically exposed, it not only pays havoc with my body, I am more likely to slip into a black hole of discouragement.  From my understanding that is quite common when a person become chemically exposed, but what I don’t like about those feelings is that I   forget any progress that I have been making and I surrender to self-condemnation feeling very responsible for my current situation.  Therefore I was heartened after reading in a book about multiple chemical sensitivities the author’s suggestion to write a letter to yourself that you can read while having a chemical reaction.  She writes, “It can include anything that will help you deal best and cope with a exposure including soothing statements, encouragement, cautions regarding situations about which you want to be care”.

It is best to write this letter in a positive frame of mind so that once I get over all of these present symptoms, I plan to write that encouraging letter to myself.

Actually, I wondered if that would be a great suggestion for anyone who is going through some tough circumstance and needs to be reminded that she has the strength and courage and resources to “get through” it.

DISAPPOINTMENTS – TO STRENGTHEN OR TO DESTROY?

Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies but never destroys it.

Eliza Tabor

People ask me if I am making progress, and I tell them that when I compare myself to last winter, I am.  Sadly, that doesn’t mean my lifestyle has changed considerably.   Occasionally, Greg and I do something socially but we never  confidently  assume that we will be definitely going.  Occasionally, Greg takes me “shopping” as he drives to the various stores and runs in with my list while I sit in the car and wait for him.  Sometimes I go into the store with him but that isn’t without fear I will have a reaction to some toxic chemical.  Evenings particularly are difficult for me – whatever energy I might have during the morning has been expended by evening. Therefore, there were quite a few activities I had the opportunity to attend this week but I could not.  I would have liked to attend a baby shower on Monday, gone to my niece’s concert on Tuesday, and had dinner with some female relatives on Wednesday.  All of those I could not do.  I was invited to a jewelry party on Saturday that I had to decline since it was being held during my afternoon nap!  All of these are disappointments because I wanted to be with these various people.    But being able to attend a variety of social activities has also become  a measurable  indicator that my health is improving.

I have been spared a lot of depression with this illness, but lately tears have been coming quite readily! I believe that what is happening is that I am not just reacting to the present disappointment of another physical setback or the disappointment of not being able to socialize very much.    I am reacting to ALL of the disappointments I have endured these past twelve years and that is dangerous since I could plummet into an emotional hell far beyond what each actual circumstance merits.  I greatly fear that I may be chasing something that may never become part of my reality  and this obviously increases my emotional response to each  disappointment.

Therefore, I felt encouraged today when I discovered Eliza Tabor’s quote: “Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies but never destroys it.”  I especially liked the image of the cold water tempering the metal.  The Dictionary defines tempering as “to harden, strengthen, toughen and fortify.”  I have to approach my disappointments in a manner that they will strengthen my resolve to do whatever it takes to become well and not to allow them to weaken me with fear or excess emotion.    If I can exert greater mental toughness and exercise greater faith that God knows what He is doing during these times, perhaps I can experience some positive benefits from disappointments! Besides, I really just want to be called a “noble soul”!

FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT!

During these past twelve years, I have often laid in bed trying to recall how it once felt to wake refreshed and to have an activity-filled day.  My imagination must be pretty limited since it always feels like I am merely watching some other body have that kind of endurance.  I have brought home various visualization tapes from the library to see if they could help me better imagine my having energy and health, but for some reason I get restless, impatient and it often feels like nails being scraped down a chalk board.  In other words, they seem to annoy me because I am unable to embrace those words and enter into that imaginary world of health.

However, I have long since believed that once I can imagine what it feels like to wake refreshed and to imagine how it feels to plan a day of activity without being encumbered by pain and fatigue – that would be the beginning of my recovery.  Therefore, when I was watching a television episode one evening, I was reminded again by one of the character’s statements that this is a necessary component to my healing environment.     This person was a recovering addict and he was telling his two fighting siblings who were resisting reconciliation, “Just like I learned in recovery, fake it until you make it.” The two brothers were expected to pretend they enjoyed each other’s company until it became true!

Can I fake health?  Actually, yes!  I am very good at that.  Greg tells me I continually confuse people when they see me since I “put on a very good show.”  When it is just too difficult to even “fake it”, I go into isolation.

But I digress since I know that that kind of faking does not optimize my healing; rather it can cause a setback.  What I do know that will help my goal of becoming healthy is that  my brain doesn’t know how to distinguish fact from fiction.  Therefore,  it is possible to reprogram my brain by imagining a day filled with health, and to expect my body to  respond accordingly! I think visualization is a terrific protocol to practice “faking it until you make it”.  I have been thinking about this a lot these past weeks but I get stuck on the details!  I don’t want to imagine a busy day just for the sake of being busy.  I want to imagine a day that has significance, meaning, joy and passion. Or perhaps it doesn’t have to include so many details but instead have powerful images that convey energy, health, focus.  I know a woman who has boundless energy.  In fact when she comes to my place to give me a massage, I often think how terrific it would be to bottle some of her enthusiasm and energy.  Perhaps she can help me discover images that work for me to “fake  energy and health”   Or perhaps I don’t have to be me when I visualize!  I could just imagine what I would be feeling if I were her for a day! No, I know that would not be as effective.  It would just reinforce “watching that other body” syndrome rather than believing that I too could have that kind of health.  I need to write my own script of  how a healthy body feels and what a healthy mind thinks and then replay that script daily until that person becomes more real than the sick person.

 

BRING ON THE SELF-PITY

Self Pity

I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D. H. Lawrence

In the movie G.I. Jane, the Master Chief Officer shouted D. H. Lawrence’s poem to the trainees while they were performing various grueling exercises.  This same Officer ends up giving G.I. Jane a copy of this poem with a medal of honor since she saved his life.  Initially, I agreed with this kind of commendation.  In fact, as I sat there discouraged by another setback, I thought how I needed to be mentally stronger and that there can be no place for self-pity.    I even reflected on my good fortune that during this long drawn out illness  my optimistic personality has protected me from falling into a lot of self-pity. And yet, I found myself   wondering if there were actually some benefits to self-pity.

There are many strong condemning quotes such as the one from Helen Keller: “Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.” And it seems that the famous writer D.H. Lawrence wants his readers to aspire to be more like this small bird who never ”felt sorry for itself”.  Consider this picture:  There is a small bird who is slowly freezing to death, who takes no action to protect itself, who is living fully in that moment and not considering tomorrow, and who finally falls off the bough of the tree to its death.  Is that a picture of how you want to be? Do you want to be like this bird that not only had no self pity but no emotions whatsoever?  Do you want to live in the moment so completely that you don’t consider whether there is something proactive you could do to change your circumstance?  Do you want to lose your mortality and never question whether you have any regrets, whether you have anything to be sorry about?  This bird did not pity itself because it had no aspirations to be anything more than what he was.

If someone surrenders to self-pity, it is because that person is aware that her life is being diminished by some circumstance or by some personality flaw.  Experiencing  self-pity suggests she knows she has so much potential that is not being realized and she wants so much more in her life.  Certainly self-pity can be dangerous just as Elizabeth Eliot claims: “Self pity is  . . a sinkhole from which no rescuing hand can drag you because you have chosen to sink.” On the other hand, how often have you heard people say that “they got so low there was no where else to go but up?”  Often, during an intense self-pitying phase, that person may look up and say, “Enough.”  It is at that moment when the pain of staying the same is greater than making a change – that’s when  the negative hold of self-pity is broken and something positive from those deep human emotions emerge. What we often miss here is that sinking into a deep self-pitying hold may be the necessary impetus for effective change.   It is in that hole that we have the possibility of becoming a noble creature that the frozen bird could never become by creating something meaningful and significant out of our circumstances.   D. H. Lawrence suffered most of his life and finally died in his early 40’s.  He must have experienced first hand the highs and lows that accompany chronic illness.  Perhaps, he wasn’t edifying that frozen bird, nor suggesting that humans should become more like that frozen bird.  Rather, he may have been revealing the complexities of self-pity especially the  redeeming aspects of our human nature that we would have to give up in order to live the life of a bird.  And perhaps the title is more ironic since the bird is to be pitied since it can’t experience even the “worst” of emotions:  self – pity!!

DON’T PANIC DURING A SETBACK

“He’s exhausted. His muscles ache beyond belief and his body is chilled to the bone. His heart is pumping a mile a minute after having just maneuvered through an obstacle course that would challenge the most agile men. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, having read articles about “the quiet professionals,” and listened to stories about “the toughest military training in the world” from guys who had gone through the training before him. He tells himself he can make it, over and over again. This Sailor wants to be a U.S. Navy SEAL.”

I am slightly embarrassed to admit that Greg and I watched G.I. Jane last night.  I am even more embarrassed to confess my anger and resentment as I watched Demi Moore show off her physical prowess with one armed push ups and sit ups with her feet hanging from a bar so that her body could be completely suspended.  I had barely recovered from the weekend’s faux pas of going into Save-On Foods with Greg and then Tuesday I started the treatment to pull out more mercury.  The accompanying pain and debilitating fatigue that just settled in during the afternoon was overwhelming and disappointing.

Then gradually as I watched this movie, I realized I was observing some nuggets of wisdom for my plight!  As her character was going through a grueling training process to become a Navy Seal, Demi Moore was blindfolded and water was continually poured over her face and into her mouth to mimic the sensation of drowning.  The trainer told her that panic was what usually debilitated soldiers during this kind of torture.  The idea was that she was to learn how not to panic during such circumstances.

I understood what he was talking about.  There are times when I am bombarded with symptoms and yet my mental and emotional resolve are strong enough to neuturalize any sense of panic that I may not reach my goal of health.  Other times -like yesterday,  I sink deeply into the abyss of discouragement and just want to surrender to the illness so that I don’t have to be continually disappointed by setbacks.  However, yesterday as I   wrote words of panic that I may never become well, I concluded with these words:

“And yet, oddly, through the tears and the grief, there is still a smoldering hope that says, “Don’t give up.”  I serve the God of the impossible and for all I know tomorrow may be the beginning of a breakthrough.  Tomorrow more mercury may be pulled from my body – enough to improve some of my symptoms.  Enough to raise debilitating fatigue, enough to clear the mental fog, enough to enable me to have increased endurance after 1 p.m.   Enough to hang onto my doctor’s words that , “It may take up to two years, but I believe I can help you.”  Enough to believe that I was lead to this doctor by the God I serve and enough to believe that He knows what is best for me. “

“You have to want the program. And mentally, never give yourself the option to quit,” said Master Chief Information Systems Technician Dennis Wilbanks, head SEAL recruiter.  Like the successful SEALS trainee, I am no quitter!  I will endure another setback with strong mental resolve and then plan my next training session to become healthy.

A LITTLE DAB OF OIL

Sometimes we just don’t use the resourceful people that are in our path.  I continually forget that my nephew is marrying someone who just graduated from a Wholistic Health Program at college.  When my sister asked her for advice, she gave some helpful insights on using Essential Oils:

“I would suggest to NOT ingest any essential oils. I’m not 100% sure, but that would be my recommendation, based on some research I just did. Gayle may have unknown sensitivities, I would follow the recommendation of the practitioner she went to and dilute it with a base oil, or lotion. I also wouldn’t inhale it either. This is as well based on sensitivities she may have, and I wouldn’t recommend inhaling or breathing in any strong scents. The oils could also be used in a warm bath, with epsom salts. Here is a great website about epsom salts and benefits. http://www.epsomsaltcouncil.org/. I would also make sure that Gayle use the proper dosage to avoid an overdose of the oils, even when diluted. A really great way to keep safe would be to use LESS than the recommended about, see how it affects you, and then increase gradually if necessary, sometimes less works better. “

I am feeling more and more confident what I am going to do when these oils arrive.  And as I was putting some things away yesterday, I came across a small bottle of Pain Release Oil that I must have bought several years ago in my pursuit for solutions.  Today, I decided to have a trial run using oils since I wanted to go into a store I was a little hesitant about.  I decided to put a dab of oil on a cotton pad and inhale it several times while I was in the store!  I know that my nephew’s fiance didn’t recommend this, but I figured inhaling this oil had to be better than inhaling the toxic smells that I knew were in this particular store.  The positive is that I was not as overpowered by the strong smells in that store!  Now the question is whether that means it can effectively minimize any reaction!  And that was not using the oils recommended nor probably the quality of oil I purchased from New Directions!

It is so important to me to feel like I have some control over an illness that has dominated what I do for the past twelve years.  That is why I have continually tried treatments that many people would claim were bizarre, experimental, and questionable.  I find it better to try something rather than just sit back and allow this illness to control me. It gives me the sense that I am in the driver’s seat – not this illness!

BIBLICAL USE OF ESSENTIAL OILS

“Essential oils are some of the oldest and most powerful therapeutic agents known.  Most people today are unaware that they have an impressive, multimillenium-long history of use in healing and anointing throughout the ancient world.  Dozens of essential oils are cited repeatedly in Judeo-Christian religious texts and records show they were used to cure virtually every ailment known to man at that time.” Essential Oils by D. Gary Young

These reactions are getting rather tiresome.  I had on again  on Saturday after Greg took me to Sport Chek looking for a coat and yesterday after I decided I felt well enough to go to Home Outfitters alone.  I really felt “safe” going to the latter since I hadn’t had a reaction there before.  However, when I entered, the smells were particularly strong – probably from all of the extra Christmas merchandise.  I didn’t stay more than five minutes but last night I had the cold tremors.  Today, I don’t feel as strong as I did yesterday, but at least the reactions don’t last as intensely as before.  However, it reinforced my desire to find something that might lower these sensitivities.  This morning Greg expressed concern about my pursuing these essential oils since I don’t know much about them.  I don’t think I have a choice.

Using these oils can’t be such a bad idea since there are many Biblical references to the use of oil, don’t you think?   Various verses even indicate how they are used.  Perhaps, I could follow their lead.

Take a look at Psalm 45:*:  All thy garments smell of myrrh, and aloes, and cassia, out of the ivory palaces, whereby they had made thee glad.”   I could just spray the oil on my clothes.

Or take a look at Proverbs 7:17: “I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.”  I know that some people like to spray lavender oil on their pillows to help them sleep.

Or how about Mark 14:3: “Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair; and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment.”  In my book, Essential Oils by Gary Young, he mentions how therapeutic it can be to rub oil on the feet particularly on the reflexology points!

I may just opt to burn the oil in a diffuser due to  the number of verses that talking about burning oil in the Old Testament as an offering unto the Lord:  “And the priest shall burn the memorial of it, part of the beaten corn thereof, and part of the oil thereof, with all the frankincense thereof; it is an offering made by fire unto the Lord.” (Leviticus 2:16)  I could incorporate physical and spiritual health as I sit by the burning oil while reading my Bible!

I am going to experiment with these different forms of application once I get these oils.  I don’t believe I can cause any harm and maybe they will be therapeutic!

BEWILDERED ABOUT APPLYING ESSENTIAL OILS

Yesterday I ordered the three essential oils I was told might help with my multiple chemical sensitivities.  Oddly, what caused my greatest confusion was how to apply this oil.  The aroma therapist told me to use 5 drops of Lemon, 5 drops of Geranium Egyptian, and 2 drops of Benzoin.  Now what?

I had taken a book out of the library called Essential Oils by G. Gary Young and I began skimming this rather large text trying to discover what I do when these oils arrive!  I learned that the English model of application suggests that you dilute a small amount of the essential oil in a vegetable or massage oil and rub it into your skin.  The French model prescribes undiluted topical application or even to ingest it by putting it on a piece of bread!  And the German model focuses on inhaling the oils.

With that information, I was still trying to figure out if I can fill a container  with this combination of drops or do I mix these drops each day.  If I combine the drops for more than one day, I still had to determine how to measure 25 mls each time!  I began thinking that a syringe would be ideal.  The aroma therapist mentioned adding the oils to a favorite cream or adding them to water and spritzing it on me.  However, I am still back to the same dilemma of knowing how much to use!  She seemed to reiterate the importance of using just that amount each day and no more.

I finally ordered two containers – one a small jar and the other a serum spray.  I still have no idea what I am going to do when the oils arrive.  In fact, I have begun wondering if I should order a diffuser and just sit by it and burn the oils.  But then how long does it take for the oils to burn?  I am rather embarrassed that I am stuck on a problem that is most likely obvious to everyone else!  However, I admit that I am bewildered!

EIGHT DROPS OF OIL TO A SANER LIFE

“With the increasing demand for holistic health care and the ‘green revolution’, the demand for aromatherapy will increase, and hopefully we will reach the point where medical doctors incorporate it into their repertoire. It will become routine for doctors to send culture samples to the pharmacist for testing, and identify the relevant aromatherapy for the patient. The stress-relieving properties associated with aromatherapy make it an indispensable part of health care.”

-Robert Tisserand, of London, England

Today, when I went to the chiropractor, she told me that there was a cancellation with the massage therapist who works with her and she has certification regarding aromatherapy oils.  I immediately took that appointment and met with her hoping I might learn how these oils can help with my chemical sensitivities.

And what I found most interesting was this woman’s caution never to use more than 25 ml of oil per day.  Any more than that can be toxic!  That information I need to pass on to a woman I know since she burns those oils often.  Anyways, this woman says she is careful not to use the oils very often at home since she is exposed to them at work!!  There are even some oils pregnant women shouldn’t use and of course if they are used for young children the amount used is  reduced.  Therefore, the first thing I learned today is that it is not like burning a scented candle.  These oils have “power” and that power must be used with caution and with knowledge.  Therefore I am glad I didn’t just decide to call a store that sells these oils and just try something!

This woman I spoke to today doesn’t sell oils but she gave me an idea of how much each one she recommends should cost so that I make sure I purchase a quality oil.   I thought it would just be easier to order the same oils she does and now I am in the process of getting information about the company New Directions.   She recommended 3 oils to combine and one of the small bottles costs $50.00!

I asked her if her patients with MCS have had much success with the use of oils and she said yes, but the people she has treated haven’t had as severe reactions as mine..  More commonly their eyes burn and they get headaches and their reaction doesn’t last very long.  However, I’m thinking that even a little improvement is good and so I have decided to try using these oils.

When I asked how to use these oils, she said I could burn 25 ml every day or just add it to some cream, or just purchase a spritzer and spray it on my clothes or on my wrist. Initially, I thought I was looking for an oil just to use when I entered an airplane or store or new building, but using it every day means that that sensitivity should always be lowered.  This is a great advantage I won’t have to remember to spray some oil on me just prior to entering a building.

Well, one thing my husband and children will attest to – I have certainly tried a lot of different treatments over the years on this quest for health!   And here goes one more interesting venture!!

REST IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

I am still trying to recuperate from my exposure to multiple chemicals and this morning I began the treatment protocol to pull out more mercury from my body that seems to affect my body adversely.   I am not struggling as much as I was on the weekend but enough to require lots of rest.  Greg came home for lunch and as he was getting ready to leave, I was just laying on the sofa.  He came in the family room to say goodbye and to remind me to just go to bed and get lots of rest this afternoon.  I smiled but said, “ The word rest has become another four-letter word to me. In fact, I am ready to use other four letter words than the word rest!”  He joked, “I wouldn’t blog about that!!”  My response was that I didn’t think I would blog today since I doubted I would have anything too positive to write!

And yet here I write!  I know from past experience, these are the days when I need to remind myself I have gone through setbacks lots of times and I have pulled through them.  I need to remind myself that I am resilient and that nothing is going to prevent my goal of getting healthy .  These are the days when I must assess my priorities.  Do I want to get well and do what is necessary or do I want to whine and rebel and do things that can jeopardize my progress? On these days when I am attacked by doubts and fear that I am setting myself up for disappointment, I must choose to rebuke those thoughts.

I am really not the kind of person who uses profane four letter words, but my comment was my way of expressing frustration and impatience.  However, perhaps I wasn’t so wrong when I made my retort to Greg.  I do need to replace the word REST and instead focus on other four letter words such as HOPE,  LOVE, and  PRAY!