DO GOALS MAKE YOU UNHAPPY?

A few weeks ago I was talking to someone who would be retiring in a few years.  I mentioned to this person the importance of having some goals to make this transition into retirement smooth and exciting.  He had an interesting response when he commented that we should be happy right now and that goals can make us unhappy with where we are now.  To some extent I believe he is right!  Ever since I have been going to a doctor who believes he can “cure” me, I have been probably more unsettled about my illness because I have become excited about what life could be like when my health returns!  And yet, there is something wrong with his statement – at least for the chronically ill!

I doubt I would have managed my illness as well as I have without having some sort of goals, even though they were tiny goals.  When I got to the stage of being able to get out of bed for a short period of time in the morning, my goal was to lessen some of the burden on my husband and children by trying to prepare some of our meals.  We were getting tired of the Costco and M & M prepared meals and the regular pizzas being delivered to our home!  And so I began my repertoire of slow cooker meals.  (There was a time when both of my children groaned when they saw the slow cooker sitting on the cupboard – suggesting one too many meals in that crockpot!).  Certainly the most important goal was to find ways to give my children some semblance of normalcy and to show them my constant love for them.  There were many basketball games I did my best to attend even though my husband or my children often had to  take me by each arm and help me back to the car.  My terrific husband would do all the work when I would plan special birthday parties for them.  I did them even though I always had some sort of setback, but my goal was to ensure that they still had special memories throughout my illness and I never wanted them to resent my illness.

When I could sit up in the afternoon for a short while, my goal was to do something with my daughter.  We spent many hours – her sitting in my bed as she took out the photos from the acidic photo sheets and me telling her stories about the pictures.  Then we began sitting together as she began putting them into acid free scrap books. I can remember my mental fog and dizziness as I sat with her helping her choose papers to frame the pictures.  Yet, it has become one of my sweetest memories of interacting with my teenaged daughter.

As ill as I was, I knew that it was important to have some goal to work toward since I spent much of my time at home alone.  Therefore, I began renting movies from our library and watched award-winning movies.  Later, when I was able to better focus and read the written word, I decided I needed another goal.  I began reading award winning novels:   Pulitzer,  Giller, Booker, and the Governor-General.  Due to the constant mental fog, often I read words without real understanding.  However, it gave me some structure to my day and some sense of accomplishment.  I strongly believe that goals for the chronically ill force us to work a little harder at getting out of bed.

Perhaps, it is a good thing when our goals unsettle us since they remind us that our lives can always be richer, fuller and more purposeful. And yet, paradoxically, working toward those goals increase our contentment and happiness since we know that we are  not sitting back complacently just hoping these things will occur.  We are assuming some control – a word the chronically ill don’t get to use very often – and we are improving the quality of our lives.   I know that my retiring relation would support these kinds of goals.  Perhaps he just gets tired of listening to people’s common yearly goals:  new furniture, new car, a new slimmer body,  more money, and another holiday.