Posted by: gaylejervis | October 5, 2010

NOTHING TO SAY BECAUSE IT’S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO SAY

Recently, a friend asked why I wasn’t writing anymore and I commented, “I have nothing to say.”  Later I realized that that probably wasn’t accurate.  My experiences just weren’t lining up with what I really wanted to say!  When I started this blog, my intention was to record all the strategies I was implementing in order to optimize my healing environment and thus to record my journey toward health.  Sadly, my body wasn’t cooperating and I knew that I could only write about setbacks, fears, doubts, anger and frustration.  And so I quit writing.

Sadly, I realize that those struggles were still part of the journey and I chose not to record them.  It reminds me of when I was in university and I was taking a course on American Thought by a professor whom I really respected.   However, he also unnerved me when he told the class that he never gives anyone more than a stanine of 7.  I wrote my first essay for him but after handing it in to him, I became even more anxious.  I couldn’t bear the thought of doing poorly in this course.  I dreaded his looking at me as he handed back my paper as I imagined his resignation that he had read again another poor paper.  It’s not that I haven’t had some lower marks, but they were usually a result of my not putting much value on the course or not respecting the professor.  I finally decided that I would have to withdraw from the course.  Ironically who do you suppose   I met in the elevator later that week but this professor and he just happened to have my class’s essays.  As he handed me my paper, he expressed regret that I had had to withdraw from his class.  As soon as I got off the elevator I looked at my mark:  an 8!!

My over-achieving, perfectionist tendencies have improved over the years but they still seem to surface now and again.    I felt like I had “failed the course” when I hadn’t reached some of my lofty goals of health and I became that young foolish university student and  “quit the course”.   Who knows what I might have learned by staying in that English course even if I couldn’t maintain high marks?  Who knows what I might have learned about the process of grieving about being chronically ill since I refused to stay the course and write because they weren’t words I had wanted to say.  And yet I fear that I still need to reckon with this characteristic.   I am pretty sure that I have returned to writing this blog because I believe once again that as I am presently making some positive strides toward health, I am back on this journey toward real health.

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Responses

  1. Welcome back! As you blog you have no idea who is being ministered to by your words. Be assured there is a purpose for everything. Even why your journey has gone down a different path than you anticipated.
    Look at this as a ministry to others who may be going through some very rough times as well. All that you have learned on this journey can be very helpful to others. God has given you a gift to share. Thanks for sharing!

  2. Whatever your reasons, I am glad you are back in the writing mode. I look forward to more of your thoughts on…practically anything! Perhaps you should move ‘beyond’ your health progress for your blog and hit on …well….anythingelse! Welcome back!


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