Posted by: gaylejervis | February 15, 2011

IT’S OKAY NOT TO ALWAYS BE ME!

It was brief but appreciated.  The weather had been stable for a few days and so was my pain!  However, today there is a significant change from the warmer “hopeful that spring is coming” weather to colder temperatures and snow again.  I could feel the pain slipping back into my muscles and joints as Kristen was taking me on a few errands this morning.

Could this growing pain explain my  “road rage” reaction when a driver honked at Kristen to turn immediately when she was perfectly in the right to wait for the oncoming traffic?    A few minutes later the driver was in the lane beside us and I couldn’t help but stare at him through the window as I told my daughter I wished I had an outside speaker so that I could sing to him, “Have patience, have patience don’t be in such a hurry,” a childhood song from one of my kids’ old records.  And no, I  didn’t miss the irony that I was telling him to be patient when I wasn’t exercising that same forbearance!

Some people maintain that pain develops character but more often in my experience, it just reveals character!  Today it wasn’t too admirable.

Later in the day as I was soaking in the bathtub hoping the hot water would ease some of the pain, I paid attention to my thoughts.  They weren’t noble either.  A group of ladies who call themselves Rest Easy Ladies have been meeting for a few years and I am supposed to be one of them.  However, I have missed so many meetings that I am surprised they still notify me of each event.  Anyways this Friday we are having a Beach Night and I WANT to go.

But as I sat in the bathtub, I began to panic wondering, “What are the chances of my making it now that this pain is settling in?”  As I lay there thinking about my negative reaction, I realized that part of the problem is that I only like to “show up” when I can be the person I used to enjoy being all the time:  fully engaged in the conversation, contributing to the discussion and to the laughter. No wonder I confuse people about my illness when I finally see them since I work so hard “being normal”.  I don’t like being this other person who must lie down and just listen to the conversation around me!  Also, I think there is a proud me that doesn’t feel comfortable being this person!

Well, I think it is important to break this cycle of showing up only when I can be the ME I like to be!  I have determined that I will have to be VERY ILL to miss this night.  If I have some of the pain under control, I will enjoy being fully engaged in the conversation and activities.  However,  I have  decided that it is  okay if I am just a quiet presence  lying on a beach towel, drinking a smoothie, painting my toe nails and being grateful to be still part of the evening’s fun.

 

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Responses

  1. We all are so looking forward to ‘painting toes and whatever else goes’ on Friday. We’ll be happy to take whatever we can get! See you there.


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